Oh shit, remember when I signed up for an Am Ex card a year ago? I moved
four
months later, complete with a change-of-address card, but I never heard
anything
from them. Identity theft, you are mine.
Credit report? Credit report. I get online and find a free credit
report. You
have to sign up and will be charged $80 a year if you don't unsubscribe
in 30
days. No problem. I can sign up, get the report and unsubscribe. Easy.
Seems
worth it to make sure my lily-white name is untainted by the Express that
is
American.
I sign up. I put in my social security, address, mother's maiden name,
shoe
size, 6th grade gym locker combination, pet's name, etc. I click Get My
Report!
and Voila, I receive an identity verification error message and phone
number.
Oh, jolly. I dial.
Them: Okay, we need some information to verify your identity.
Beta: social security number...address... old address... older
address...
phone number...old phone number... mother's maiden name... cat's
name...
Them: [clickity clackety keyboard sounds while undoubtedly
thinking "Jesus
are these people dumb. FIRST we get them to give us all their vitals
online
for nothing in return, THEN we get them to give it to us on the phone!
Mwah
ha ha ha.]
Them: Okay we need to get some information from you on your credit
to
finish validating. What credit cards do you have?
Beta: I don't have any credit cards.
Them: Did you every apply for a mortgage?
Beta: No.
Them: Did you every apply for a car loan?
Beta: No.
Them: And what credit cards do you have?
Beta: Debit cards.
Them: Miss, we need some credit information here.
Beta: Um, it's not like I'm joking. I think I had a BonTon card in
'91.
Them: What was the limit?
Beta: I don't know. I spent $30 on it, got the free gift, and cut
it
up.
Them: Look, we can't help you unless you tell us what's on the
report.
Beta: But that's why I need the report. To find out what's on
it.
Them: I'm sorry, we have to invalidate your identity.
Beta: [terrified at the prospect of being an identity invalid] But
I
just gave you all the numerical information of my entire existence.
Them: I'm sorry, we need more.
Beta: Okay, I want to cancel my membership.
Them: You can't do that through this number. Go to the web site
and send
them an email.
* breathe * I find one suspicious, buried email address on the site
which I
choose not to send all my vitals to. I find a customer service number
that is
different from the identity verification number. I dial.
Beta: Hi, I want to cancel my membership.
Them: Okay, we need some information to verify your identity.
Beta: social security number... address... old address...older
address
...phone number...old phone number... mother's maiden name...cat's name...
[at
this point I begin to marvel at what a strong internet presence my cat
has.]
Them: When did you sign up?
Beta: Twenty minutes ago.
Them: You didn't get your credit report.
Beta: No, I want to cancel.
Them: You get a free credit report. You should really do that.
Beta: They won't give it to me without information about my credit
which
doesn't exist because I don't have any.
Them: It's free.
Beta: I want to cancel.
Them: You can fax us your driver's license and phone or gas bill.
Then
we'll send you the report.
Beta: I don't have a fax machine. I want to cancel.
Them: Did you know there are thousands of cases of identity thefts
every
year?
Beta: Yes, I do know. Can I please cancel my membership?
Them: Do you know how destructive that can be? In some cases
people spend
extensive hours over six months just to get it off their record.
Beta: That's too bad. Listen to me. Cancel my membership. Now.
Them: Okay, it's cancelled. You will not be charged.
Finally. Is that not unfuckingbelievable? And I still don't know if
there's
an Am Ex card in my name being passed around the schoolyard. Hmph.