2003-11-20

Oh my lord, what can I tell you. I had a day that almost made my eyes bleed. I'm glad I'm not bored, but I'm redesigning an internal database, and the existing pages are terrifying. But what really makes my eyes bleed is taking 200 of those pages and redoing them.

What else? A couple of you fabulous folks took my last entry seriously and sent me cool comments. Thanks. I love you. I wrote it with grand flourish and many laughs, but, yes, there's full truth to it.

Oh, and also? I set up an anonymous sex diary. Yeah, forgot to mention that. As one (and only one) of you knows, I had a sexy dream last night. The problem is, for the eight gazillionth time I feel like I want to write about it and all things sexy.

Not fair, I know, but I can't tell you guys. There's too much history. I love you too much to hurt you like that. I mean, I still pet the dog and stuff.

What slays me is that WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO POST MY SHIT ON THE INTERNET? Really? I mean, you know, you read, you write, but as for the rest of it, really. Really. Why?

Can't I just write it in a paper journal or something? Or think it? Or tell a friend? No, no and no. It's the dilemma of the modern age. My the porn queen is profound. Yes she is.

Seriously, I need to let someone read my thoughts. You do too. Why? I don't know. It's like the anorexic who's about to die from starvation and refuses to eat. Okay, it's not like that, but we know the perils, we know it serves no outward purpose and yet we come back again and again.

I predict there will be a day when I get busted for my new-fangled sex diary.

I can say that having a porny job has MASSIVELY opened my eyes to the sex world around me. I pass no judgment on anything consensual anyone does in the bedroom or alley or public restroom or blow up dolly or party cage or swinger bedroom. None. My job has validated all sex, all desires, all deviants.

Kind of like my sister. She's a heroin addict (fighting hard this time, 37 days today). I used to think of junkies as, you know, trash. Then there's my sister and all the brilliant awesomeness she is. Now I see junkies as fucked up people, like you or me. Like you. Or me.

That's not quite the way I see the fetish or BDSM crowd. What THEY'RE doing is healthy. Yup. It is. But it's sort of the eye-opener I've had. I used to THINK I believed all those folks were okay. Now I KNOW all those folks are okay. It ain't just drag queens anymore, Mary.

I know I'm crossing the line here. Most of the awesome folks I read have sex lives and don't write about it, even though they write about everyfuckingthingotherwise. I do too. I love your writing. I don't care about your sex lives.

It's not you. It's me.

Anyway, enough said, I ain't gonna put my bedroom hoopla here. You're still my true love, my real me and my frequent updates. I'm not leaving. But I'm having an affair. It's only sex.