Just Cause They're Old Doesn't Mean They're Not Assy


It was Sunday afternoon and I was off to run errands. As I began to descend the subway steps, I came upon an old Asian couple struggling with a travel grocery cart. (“Came upon,” like I’m in Lord of the Fucking Rings here.) Being the nice little lady I am (despite my internet alter-ego, fuckers), I offered to help them carry their cart down the two flights of stairs.

People, I went to lift the bottom of this thing and it weighed 8. Million. Pounds. I don't know if they were carrying bricks or super-dense frozen turkeys or what, but I could barely get the wheels off the ground.

Every few steps I asked if they were okay (they were kind of pushing the top part a step above me), but the truth was I WAS NOT OKAY. I was terrified we'd all go toppling down, my new little aged friends and I destined to be pinned under a cart of Ass-Knows-What in a pile of broken bones and dislodged teeth.

Fucked up. Monday, when I woke up I discovered the back half of my left leg is covered in huge bruises. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how it happened until I recalled the Land Of Little People And Their Hell-On-Wheels.


Also? In an attempt to raise the handlebars on ye ole huffy, I managed to recreate a Three Stooges episode all by myself. Oh, it was jolly. A piece of the handlebar fell into the steering column, I had to turn the bike upside down to get it out, I re-attached it with the front wheel backwards, etfuckingcetera.

I'm my own physical comedy variety show.

This Thursday, for you uninformed ethnocentric Canucks (ha ha, as if anyone on any corner of the earth could be more ethnocentric than Americans, or more accurately, New Yorkers), is Thanksgiving. I've posted many a tircus adventure in these pages, but this year's promises to be the most exceedingly dull ever. So look forward to that.

My lady friend has to work all day, my usual suspects are either out of town or going to small gatherings, and the dinner party I committed to just cancelled the show. Thus, I'm cashing in on an invite to hang out with a bunch of people I don't know. Sounds like the perfect opportunity to get shit-faced and break things! At least I have a plan.

Hot Porn - 2005-07-23
Choogle - 2005-04-29
On Quicksand and Hydration - 2005-03-05
Bra Bustin' - 2005-01-15
Fuckhead Fuckers (and Other Happy Tales) - 2004-11-04
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