Dear lady friends and gentle men! I am here to propose my triumphant return. Assuming it makes it down the pike, up the hill and through the red tape approval process here at Beta Bitch Incorporated, I just might be back.
But don't quote me on that. (Unless you're Twelve Percent, Dawg.)
So, here's the short of it. My lady friend and I hit splitsville. After four years and mostly good times, the show ended. I moved out a few weeks ago with two of the three phat kats, leaving behind a pug, a girl and a mountain of dust balls in my wake. Tears were involved.
Now, I'm not gonna dress in tatters and sing Les Miserables to you, cause, well, the 80's are over. What I am gonna do is tell you how life has changed.
Haha. Actually, bachoretteville features the same frozen chicken and Stove Top stuffing it did four years ago, though this time I throw some pre-packaged, pre-washed, hyper-nutriented spinach in there. We'll see how long that lasts.
Not only did I lose many of my friends, but also I don't think they noticed. They were more like a pile of quicksand that swallowed me up cause I was there, and then silently let me go, insidiously filling in the gap I left without missing a beat.
But some of my friends (from outside the world of Dyke Drama Amusements) are coming' through with gold stars.
Wait, why am I talking about reality?
What I want to tell you is this. A lot of things needed to be replaced after the move, like a broom, pillows, my faith that I'm not a total asshole and a water filter. I bought a Brita because it came with a free pitcher. I screwed it onto the faucet head. And it flashed a green light at me.
Um, what? Is it running off the carbon it's skimming? Cause that's cool. If it's running off some battery I need to replace? Like, not cool.
So I consult the 30-page manual that comes with something requiring two minutes of attention and no afterthought, and sure enough, I got me a color-coded warning system on my 21st century hydrator.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Here's the thing. When I switch from non-filtered to filtered, it flashes green once to tell me my water is a-okay. If it flashes red once, I enter a "heightened state of alert." If it starts flashing red and doesn't stop? Assuming I survive the impending apocalypse it warns of, I need to change the filter.
Okay, honestly? I use a water filter to feel like I have filtered water. I don't actually need filtered water. I can actually use it without any filter and be content. It's my little pet mind-fuck.
Of course, not the only one...