Welcome To The Neighborhood

2004-04-21

Ahoy there, Maties! I had my first war-time dream last night! My very first! Ever! You'd think with all my "Our president is a liar" this and "Weapons of mass bullshit" that, I would have been dreaming about shrapnel (shout out to ma boy John Kerry!) for months, but t'aint so. Til last night.

No no, I'm not going into the saga of it all. It will suffice to say that it was war-time right here in SF, and I got shot while saving the cats. Sounds about right.

Anyway, I woke at 3:30am to Claymation biting the shit out of my hand. I stumbled into the dark kitchen to get the hungry hippos some chow, and stepped in something wet. Then I discovered that Diggity Dog's bucket-barrel of food (= heavy) had been pushed over and ravaged.

I turned on the lights. Gasp.

I don't know WHAT THE FUCK went down while I was dreaming about war, but shit was AWRY, people. Animal dishes clear across the room. Water bowl upside-down. Big. Muddy. Paw-prints. Everywhere. All over the kitchen (of course, my lady friend mopped yesterday, suckiness). Through to the bathroom! All over the toilet seat! The sink! In the tub! And the kicker of it all was that the roll of toilet paper had been removed from its slidy thing and tossed in the toilet bowl. No kidding.

A note about my toilet paper holder (I know you've anticipated the day I would utter those magical words). Our toilet paper holder is not springy, but static, like these fancy cowboy holders except, unfortunately, without the cowboys. So it's not THAT hard to remove the T.P. and throw it in the bowl. Unless you're an animal, right?

Anyway, I refilled the water, picked up the dog food, retrieved the roll of toilet paper, fed the cats and went to bed. Like an asshole. Because I still left the back door open.

Not much more chaos was to be had, though, except that the clean water bowl was filled with filthy brown mucky water when I woke up again at 5am.

There was too much, um, aggressiveness to have been a cat, but too much mobility to have been a dog. We're thinking Rocky Raccoon. The newest inductee into my animal rescue sanctuary? No way. Rocco's an asshole.

LAST FIVE:
Hot Porn - 2005-07-23
Choogle - 2005-04-29
On Quicksand and Hydration - 2005-03-05
Bra Bustin' - 2005-01-15
Fuckhead Fuckers (and Other Happy Tales) - 2004-11-04
Betabitch, words & design, so play nice.