2003-09-18

Diggity dawg. First off, I'd like to proudly announce that my guestbook is fixed now. Seems those crazy folks at signmyguestbook now charge $2 for their services. Back in MY day...

That being said...I may not be able to give you my personal porny news, but that doesn't mean I have to stop being your porn world correspondent does it?

No?

Okay, check this shit out. Some fools in Los Angeles convinced some stupid politicians to pass a law that bans lap dances. Lap dances? Innocent little lap dances? I�m serious. You can't even cop a feel during one of those. At least if you're a guy. But that's a different story.

The law also says exotic dancers have to be at least six feet from customers, therefore, unable to accept tips in their skivvies.

What the fuck is that? Considering half the people in L.A. are running around dressed like strippers already, seems to me everyone should always be six feet from each other at all times.

And all the VIP rooms in gentlemen's clubs are closed.

Notice how I use terms like "gentlemen's clubs" and "exotic dancers"? See, I�m not all trash. Especially when it comes to strippers.

But look, a lot of women depend on lap dances for their income. What those women are doing is legal in the rest of the state and most of the country (I�m not sure about those crazy Mormons in Salt Lake City...). So I�m not speaking on behalf of some horn dog who wants a grinder on my knee. I�m here to represent the strippers of L.A. whose blogs you're not reading.

Not that we're gonna unite and start a revolution. But isn't that fucked the hell up?

In other news, I saw Sandra Bernhard on Tuesday. I did the flyers for the show, so I figured why the hell not cash in on the free tix. She is one crazy mama.

She informed us, speaking of backassward shit, that Renee Zellwegger is going to play Janis Joplin in an upcoming film. I don't care how you slice it, that just won't work. It can't. Aren't there like a dozen people you can think of off the top of your head who would do it better? Like Paul Reubens? Hell, Bette Midler already did it right the fuck on.

Toward the end of the show, Sandra took off her shirt and finished up in her bra. I realized how sick, twisted and conditioned I am while staring at this tall, emaciated women and her bony ass ribcage and thinking ,"Even she's got love handles. Sandra, you could lose a few."

If that woman lost any more weight, we'd lose her down a sewer. Which would be a fitting end to her reign of terror, I suppose.